Sad post

About 8 years ago, my step cousin buried her 2 year old daughter who had been hit by a car.
Last fall, a girl on a mommy message board I frequent lost her precious 15 month old son.
On February 8, 2010, a family mourned the loss of their 2 year old little girl, Layla Grace, after a long battle with Neuroblastoma.
Today, I read about an online friend who will likely lose her son, who is still in her womb, just 22 weeks old.

Every day, I am thankful for my family, but when I see and hear of things like this, I hug them a little tighter, I thank God a little longer, and I am reminded how precious this life is and how quickly things can change. My heart is aching for those who lose their children. My prayers are with those who have had to bury their babies. Tonight, I sit hear heavy hearted wondering why. With everything in me, I believe in God. I believe He loves us and has good plans for us. I cannot fathom why he allows these things. When I hear of these tragedies, I want to plug my ears and pretend everything is fine. It's been too much lately though, and I can't ignore it. I cannot ignore the fact that horrible things happen to people every day. I ask God why, but I have no answer. I'm not sure anyone does this side of eternity. I can rest somewhat knowing that these children are safe in the arms of my Heavenly Father, but how much comfort would that actually bring me if it were my child?

I have no point to this. I just needed somewhere to "put" my feelings. Hug your loved ones extra tight today...remember what a gift life is.

A not so quick recap

Wow...it's been forEVER since I've written. Whenever I feel motivated to write, I can't find the time, and when I have the time, I have nothing to say. So, I'll try to give a quick recap of the past couple months of our lives:

• Christmas was great. We didn't do adult gifts, only kids. I like it better that way. Kadence got a lot of great things, but thankfully, not too much considering the size of our house and our new addition due in May.
• Speaking of, we had our "big" ultrasound a few days after Christmas and were able to hold out and stay on team green. We also learned that everything looks perfect with this little baby. If you want to take a guess as to when the baby will be born and what the gender is, go to http://www.expectnet.com/ and type in "gameforbaby2" as the game title. The winner will receive a big fat congrats AND bragging rights. :)
• New Year's was awesome! Some family came in from Texas, and Kadence loved loved loved the fireworks. I thought for sure they would scare her, but no, she was thrilled to see all the lights in the sky. She even made it all the way to midnight...and then some, haha.
• Luis turned 29 on January 11. We met up for dinner with family. We all chipped in and got him an ipod touch. He's nice and cracked out on it now, which is good because he doesn't give me as much crap for being online!
• In early Februrary, our little Kadence grew up. She finally stopped taking a bottle. She was down to one a day for quite a while, and one evening, we replaced it with a cup. She didn't care and doesn't miss her bottles. They were just a means to an end for her. She's still taking her pacifier, and judge me all you want, I'm in no rush to take it from her. It's comforting to her, and with the new baby coming, I want her to have a comfort measure for herself. So, I'll likely be that mom with a 2+ year old who still takes a paci. Oh, well. At least she only has it for naps and bedtime.
• THE SAINTS WON THE SUPERBOWL!! We taught Kadence to say "Who Dat!", but she says it like a question..."Who da?"...too cute!
• We got and spent most all of our tax return already. Normally, we save any extra money we get or pay off bills...not so much this time. We got things we needed: a bed, photography equipment, a toddler bed for Kadence, a bunch of random stuff for her and the new baby, oh yes, and a beautiful new wedding set for Myndee!! Okay, we didn't need all of that, but it's nice to have, and we still were able to save some money. Were we totally responsible? No. Did we have tons of fun? YES!!
• I switched to a new OB in the same practice. I liked my other OB, but the more I talked to her about med free, little to no intervention childbirth, the more she seemed to dig her heels in. I'm not sure why, but for some reason, I got the impression that she didn't want me to go without meds...which is very strange considering she gave birth 4 or 5 times without an epidural. Ah, well. My new doctor is a perfect fit for me! I really cannot say enough good things about her.
• Just the other day, Kadence had her very first stomach virus. Poor baby. It only lasted about a day, and she was a trooper. Then, it was my turn. Horrible. I think I lost weight from throwing up so much. I actually had to go to the hospital to be treated for dehydration- apparently, that can cause pre-term labor, so it's a good thing I went in. I'm fine now, and thank God, Luis didn't catch it.

And breathe. That's about all for now. I'll try harder to keep up with this. I want to look back on this stuff one day and remember all these things and feelings I share on here. Actually, I think I read somewhere that you can turn your blog into a book...maybe I'll do that.

Case against Santa Claus

Don't be mad!! I LOVE Santa, love him. I love the idea, the stories, the magic, all of it. However, we're not teaching Kadence about him. I begrudge no one who teaches their child about Santa, and if my personal experiences hadn't gone the way they did, I would most likely have a different outlook on the whole thing. Alas, that is not the case.

We are Christians, and while we love Jesus with all our hearts, we do not believe Christmas is all about Him. As hard as it is for some believer's to grasp, Jesus is not the "reason for the season". Though Christianity mingled it's teachings with Christmas, the holiday is not rooted in religion. Jesus was not born in the winter, and Christmas was a Pagan holiday long before it became Christianized. If you want to celebrate a Biblical holiday in December, you're much better off celebrating Chanukah. It, unlike Christmas, has biblical roots and Jesus himself actually observed the holiday. Though we will still incorporate Jesus' birth into our Christmas traditions, I do not hold them too high, and our faith in Christ has nothing to do with teaching our children about Santa...directly. I do have a slight fear that if we teach our children about Santa while teaching them about Jesus then one day they find out we lied to them about Santa, they will question if we lied to them about Jesus. I guess our belief plays a part in it, but I know many Christians, myself included, who at one time believed in Santa and are not damaged.

Furthermore, we live in a society that is richly prosperous. Even some of our poorest are wealthy according to most of the world. However, in this economy there are quite a few people left having what some would call a "lean" Christmas. How do I reconcile that with my children? How can I explain to them that Santa simply couldn't bring them the new video game system or custom build dollhouse or whatever they put on their list? If he has Elves making toys and things year round, how can we expect them to understand they can't have everything they want? I also worry about the "be good for Santa" mantra. If they are horrible all year long, should I follow through and say they were on Santa's naughty list? And again, if they are good but we can't fulfill their wish list, what do we say? Also, we plan to donate toys to Operation Christmas Child, Toys for Tots, and/or a local organization each year; when we do this, will our kids wonder why Santa doesn't visit the less fortunate?

Though important factors, I can't say for certain these in themselves would cause me to feel the way I do and teach our children what I plan to teach them.

My main reason for not teaching our children about Santa is this:

Christmas Eve, 1985. Each year, "Santa" would come visit my step-grandmother's house. I remember how wonderful it was to see him in person and get presents, though they were significantly less appealing gifts than the non-step grandkid's gifts, haha. Just before Santa arrived that chilly Christmas Eve, my brother, who was 10, callously informed me that not only was the guy I thought to be Santa my uncle, but that Santa didn't even exist! Crushed, I turned to my dad to expose my brother's lies, but sadly, he confirmed them. That was so painful for me to learn, and of all my childhood Christmas memories, this is the most vivid one. I cannot bear to think about setting my children up for such disappointment. Though, again, I understand not everyone has such a bitter memory of finding out Santa wasn't in fact real. I hope Santa memories for everyone who believed in him and their children are nothing but fond ones!

As for what we will teach our children- the truth. We will teach them the story of St. Nicholas, and how because of his faith, he devoted his life to helping others. We will explain (in age appropriate terms, of course) how his life was such an inspiration that his work is still celebrated at Christmas time..a la Santa Claus. Though he isn't a live person who lives at the North Pole and "sees you when you're sleeping...", it's okay to celebrate Santa knowing who he is based upon.

My one concern- my kids ruining it for others. I'm hoping that since we won't teach that "Santa isn't real", they won't go around saying such things. I will not, however, feel too guilty if they happen to tell their friends the truth. I can't. I mean, it's a conviction I have and I shouldn't be expected not to teach them things for fear of them telling others. It will never be my intent, though, because I know how devastated I was when I found out the truth. I certainly don't want my children to be responsible for doing that to someone else.

I hope that all makes sense, and that you won't take offense if you teach your child something different. This certainly falls into the "to each his own" category, in my humble opinion. :)

Obsession

I'm the type of person who gets obsessed with things- not like stalker obsessed or anything. I just get an idea or event in my head and plan it, talk about it, think about it. I spent years planning my wedding (started planning before I was engaged!). I try not to drive everyone crazy, but I'm sure I do, especially Luis. He never wants to hear anything about vaccine ingredients and alternative schedules again! My newest obsession- GIVING BIRTH! With Kadence, things went well, but I really wanted to go entirely med free. The more I've learned, the more I see that some things took place at the hospital which could've been avoided. I sometimes catch myself wondering, "what if...". I got the epidural about 30 minutes before Kadence was born, so it didn't even kick in. I still felt everything, so in a way, I experienced what I wanted to experience. Now that I've had an epidural, I never ever want one again. First off, right after we got it tons of nurses and maybe doctors rushed in our room and turned me on my side. Apparently, they lost her heartbeat on the monitors. For a few scary seconds, we thought we killed our baby. I never want to feel that again. Secondly, for seven months after she was born, I had lower back pain every time I'd bend over. It was in the exact spot where I got the Epi. It wasn't terribly painful but quite annoying. I mean, I traded 30 minutes of rest that I didn't get for 7 months of annoyance- totally not worth it! So, this time, I'm determined to not get an epidural. I feel much more prepared, knowing what to expect and really believing that when you think you can't do it anymore, you're almost done! This time though, I'm obsessed. I've already made a birth plan and a second, more consice birth plan to bring to the hospital. I think about every possible scenario, and I'm terrified of having a c-section (though I will do whatever it takes to have a healthy baby). I don't know why, I just feel like I have to have a med free, vaginal delivery. I think because part of me feels like I "failed" last time, which I know isn't true. I spend countless hours praying for everything to go smoothly. I've researched what will indicate and automatic c-section such as: breech baby, placenta previa, etc. I even want to know what doctors in this area will deliver a breech baby because I will consider switching.

The rational side of my brain knows that this is silly. I know that more than anything, I want to have a healthy baby, healthy mom. I know I didn't fail by getting an epidural, and if something happens and I need one this time, I know it will be okay. All that makes sense. Yet for some reason, I cannot get over this obsession. I figured writing it out may help. I don't bother other people in my life about this, and I think Luis has heard all he can handle...at least until I'm in my 3rd trimester, haha.

Walking and Talking and Teething, Oh my!

My baby is quickly approaching full on toddler-hood. I love it! She says lots of words now, including but not limited to, Mama, Dada, HI, No, Jack (a friend), Lily (a stuffed animal friend), Cat, Bye bye, Map, and Backpack- thank you Dora the Explorer. She also laughs when others around her laugh. It's so cute! I feel like she learns something new every second! I hate that I'm typing this from work missing out. This weekend, she took her very first steps! She took two steps on two separate occasions. Thankfully, I got to see her first official step, but Luis called today to tell me she took 10 steps in a row this afternoon!! Before we know it, we're going to be chasing her around the house. Another milestone she's finally reaching- teething. Because of her hypothyroidism, she basically stopped growing for about two months, that includes her teeth. So, now, at 13 months, she has the tiniest sliver of a tooth coming in. Poor baby, it looks like she's going to get a lot of teeth over the next few weeks. Her gums are swollen and white. While it may be tough on her, on all of us, if she gets them all in a short period of time it will be over faster.

I am so proud of my baby. It's hard to believe that just a year ago, she was so tiny and couldn't do a thing for herself. It's been amazing, truly a blessing from God to be able to watch her grow.

Big Sister

My baby is going to be a big sister!! In May of 2010, we will welcome our newest, and most likely final addition to our family. To quote Jesse Spano, I'm so excited...I'm so excited...I'm so...scared!! If you get that, you're old like me. :)

We found out in September, but due to previous losses, we wanted to make sure all was well before we shared the news. However, after our first doctor's appointment, all wasn't well. According to my calculations, I should've been 6 weeks, 4 days, but according to the ultrasound, I was only 5 weeks. If you've had kids, you know that over a week is a big difference. Due to that, and the fact that I've already had miscarriages, I figured this was another one. I was so sad. Begrudgingly, I continued to take my prenatal vitamins and act as though I was pregnant (no drinking or drugs, haha). After the longest week and a half of my life, I had my follow up ultrasound. I couldn't even look at the screen. I knew she'd say, "I'm sorry...", but thank God, I was wrong. She said the most beautiful words I'd ever heard- "There's the heartbeat!" I couldn't believe it. Tears of joy filled my eyes and it hit me- I'm going to be a mother of TWO. How am I going to do this?! Thankfully, my husband Luis, is fantastic. He's such a great dad now, and I know we're going to be able to handle being a family of four. :)

This time is very different- I'm hardly sick. Actually, I've only thrown up three times; with Kadence, it was more like three times a day. I don't know if it's because we waited so long to announce it or what, but it's going by much faster as well. I'm already almost 3 months along. Unfortunately, I don't feel as excited or attached as I should just yet- probably just a defense mechanism I've created due to my history. I do love this baby and I can't wait to meet him/her.

I don't want to forget this feeling

Tonight, as part of a class assignment, we went to a soup kitchen type place to help feed and serve the homeless. It changed my life. I've helped people before to an extent, I like to think of myself as a "good person". But truly, I've never gone so far out of my comfort zone before. I loved it. I loved being able to make a teeny difference in someone's life. I loved knowing that I was helping people whom God created and loves as well. I also felt bad that I don't do things like this regularly. I pray for people, and while I feel that is very important, I often turn a blind eye to the needs of people in my own city. More than feeling good and bad at the same time, I was in awe of the woman who does this regularly. Loretta. She is a southern lady with a tough exterior and a big heart. She daily prepares four meals for the people, instructs the volunteers, then goes to the women's shelter across the way to help them. She does this because of her love and devotion to God and his people. She doesn't get paid, and from what I can tell, hardly gets appreciated. I want my life to be more like hers. Of course, I can't do exactly what she's doing, but I can help. I have gifts and talents that could be of great use there. For instance, I'm pretty pushy (in a good way) when I'm passionate about something, and let me tell you, a fire has been lit. Since the organization runs strictly off donations and volunteers, I'm going to get people to donate things, money, and their time. I'm hoping to really help get these people plenty of meals and volunteers, even possibly a dishwasher so they can save money and stop using paper products. I plan to contact restaurants, local businesses, churches, and even the school I attend to try to encourage other teachers to take their classes to the mission. I know I can do this; I put together a fundraiser for my nephew which was a huge success. If you have any tips or anything though, please let me know. I'm writing this out to remind myself not to let this feeling pass. I don't want to remember this as a one time thing. I want it to be the beginning.