Obsession

I'm the type of person who gets obsessed with things- not like stalker obsessed or anything. I just get an idea or event in my head and plan it, talk about it, think about it. I spent years planning my wedding (started planning before I was engaged!). I try not to drive everyone crazy, but I'm sure I do, especially Luis. He never wants to hear anything about vaccine ingredients and alternative schedules again! My newest obsession- GIVING BIRTH! With Kadence, things went well, but I really wanted to go entirely med free. The more I've learned, the more I see that some things took place at the hospital which could've been avoided. I sometimes catch myself wondering, "what if...". I got the epidural about 30 minutes before Kadence was born, so it didn't even kick in. I still felt everything, so in a way, I experienced what I wanted to experience. Now that I've had an epidural, I never ever want one again. First off, right after we got it tons of nurses and maybe doctors rushed in our room and turned me on my side. Apparently, they lost her heartbeat on the monitors. For a few scary seconds, we thought we killed our baby. I never want to feel that again. Secondly, for seven months after she was born, I had lower back pain every time I'd bend over. It was in the exact spot where I got the Epi. It wasn't terribly painful but quite annoying. I mean, I traded 30 minutes of rest that I didn't get for 7 months of annoyance- totally not worth it! So, this time, I'm determined to not get an epidural. I feel much more prepared, knowing what to expect and really believing that when you think you can't do it anymore, you're almost done! This time though, I'm obsessed. I've already made a birth plan and a second, more consice birth plan to bring to the hospital. I think about every possible scenario, and I'm terrified of having a c-section (though I will do whatever it takes to have a healthy baby). I don't know why, I just feel like I have to have a med free, vaginal delivery. I think because part of me feels like I "failed" last time, which I know isn't true. I spend countless hours praying for everything to go smoothly. I've researched what will indicate and automatic c-section such as: breech baby, placenta previa, etc. I even want to know what doctors in this area will deliver a breech baby because I will consider switching.

The rational side of my brain knows that this is silly. I know that more than anything, I want to have a healthy baby, healthy mom. I know I didn't fail by getting an epidural, and if something happens and I need one this time, I know it will be okay. All that makes sense. Yet for some reason, I cannot get over this obsession. I figured writing it out may help. I don't bother other people in my life about this, and I think Luis has heard all he can handle...at least until I'm in my 3rd trimester, haha.